


Grief Is Another Word for Love

by orphan_account



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcoholic Tony Stark, Ashes Scene in Avengers: Infinity War Part 1, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Canonical Character Death, Depression, Father-Son Relationship, Five Stages of Grief, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Peter Parker, Hurt Tony Stark, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, Minor Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), References to Depression, Teen Peter Parker, Tony Angst, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric, im so bad at tagging, uhhhhhhhhhhh - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-06-21 22:49:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15568065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Tony’s been through this before, all of the grief and devastation, yet he still managed to find the light in the darkness. But losing a kid? That’s a whole new kind of suffocation.orTony goes through the five stages of grief after losing Peter.





	1. The Loss

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first time posting an actual fic and the chapters are probably going to be on the shorter side but,, i hope you enjoy this irondad mess!

“I don’t feel so good.”

Peter’s eyes were wide with panic as Tony turned to him, fear twinging sharply in his chest. The boy began to stumble toward him, reaching out like the helpless child he had been trying so hard to mask.

“You’re alright.” Tony choked out, reassuring himself more than he was Peter. Selfish.

“I-I don’t know what’s happening.” Peter’s small frame fell against Tony’s chest, his hands clutching desperately at the older man. “I don’t understand.”

Tony’s entire body shook. The kid knew exactly what was happening. Even when he was dying, Peter still looked to him for guidance. Peter thought that his mentor was capable of anything, of fixing anything. But he couldn’t fix this. He was powerless in this moment.

_ (I just wanted to be like you.) _

“I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go, Mr. Stark, please.” Peter begged weakly as his legs began to dissolve beneath him, drifting away in the foreign breeze. “Please, I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go.” The teenager’s voice devolved into sobs, desperate pleas for help, for Tony, for May. For the life he had barely gotten to live.

_ (And I wanted you to be better.) _

Tony supported Peter’s full weight, guiding him to the ground rather gracelessly. He had one hand behind his back and another on his shoulder. Maybe if he held on tight enough to the boy he would stay in one piece. The boy he had grown to think of as his own son.

Peter’s eyes, a grim acceptance having settled in their brown, met Tony’s. He knew this was the end. “I’m sorry.” He whispered, his voice too calm. 

_ (Sorry doesn’t cut it.) _

Now void of their innocent light, Peter's eyes drifted back to the Titan sky. And then he disappeared from Tony’s arms.

His hands, suddenly empty, were coated in grey, flaky ashes. Starting to wipe them from his hands, he came to the morbid realization that those were Peter. His boy, reduced to nothing but dust. Peter had come to be one of the best things to ever happen to him, and now he was gone. Blown to oblivion. Tony had never gotten the chance to express to Peter how much he meant to him, how much joy he brought to his life. How much he loved him. And now he never would. 

The kid’s last words had been an apology. His last emotion had been guilt. How could Tony have let that happen?

“He did it.” Nebula admitted, her solemn voice breaking the fog of grief that had fallen over the planet.

Tony brought his hands to his face, holding what was left of Peter’s body in a silent prayer. A single tear traced a path down his cheek.

_ (And if you died, I’d feel like that’s on me.) _


	2. Denial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading and commenting on the first chapter !! it really means a lot. anyway, heres the next bit :)

Denial. Such a simple word for such a complex emotion. An emotion that disconnects you from reality and convinces you that maybe something so bad, so wrong can’t actually be happening, right? So you isolate yourself from the truth. Wrap yourself up in the delusion that everything is fine. Everything is fine. Everything is fine. Everything is fine.

_(Eventually, you start to deny that too.)_

 

The scent of motor oil, coffee, and stale sweat permeated the air in the workshop, a smell Tony had become all too familiar with. He sat at his cluttered workbench in nothing but a pair of sweatpants and welding goggles, focused on a certain spider-kid’s freshly torn suit laid out in front of him.

“Hey, Pete!” Tony shouted without looking up. “Pass me that wrench, would you?”

“Sorry about tearing the suit, Mr. Stark.” The kid to his left snickered before continuing, “I sure did throw a _wrench_ in the works, huh?”

Tony turned on Peter, trying to look as angry and annoyed as possible, though he only managed it for a moment before breaking out in an amused grin with affection shining in his eyes. He really loved this kid.

_(His kid.)_

“That was the single worst joke I’ve ever heard. And I’m friends with Clint Barton.” Tony complained, habitually reaching out to ruffle Peter’s hair and feel the familiar curls beneath his fingers.

But his hand only found air in Peter’s place.

All at once, the simulation around him began to dissipate, reality setting in once more. Peter’s figure blinked out of existence, not much unlike the real Peter recently had. Across the room, Pepper stood in the doorway with a plate in her hands and worry in her eyes.

_(If you even cared, you’d actually be here.)_

“Tony, this isn’t healthy.” Her voice was soft, careful. “This binarily automated-”

“Binarily augmented retro-framing, B.A.R.F.” Despite the lump in his throat, Tony smiled, if only for a moment. Peter had thought it was hilarious. He had wanted to change it but Peter insisted that the name was perfect. It was designed for purely nostalgic purposes, after all.

“Okay, well, B.A.R.F. or whatever isn’t healthy. Maybe you should talk to a professional.” With exasperation, she quietly added, “Or me, at least.”

“Don’t you have a company to run?” Tony was tired. He just wanted his boy back, even if it was all a fantasy.

Pepper ignored him. “Hiding in the workshop and hanging out with pixels won’t fix anything! Peter is gone and you need to accept that.”

_(I dreamt we had a kid.)_

“Go!” Tony practically screamed, regrettably reminding him of his father’s own drunken shout. “Just leave me alone.”

“Honey, please-”

Pepper was cut off by a strangled yelp from Tony. She knew that he was on the brink of breaking and nothing but his kid’s voice could hold him together, however manufactured. He was in denial, hanging on to whatever shred of Peter that he could. She gingerly left the sandwich on a nearby table, standing wearily in the doorway once more before leaving the room.

As soon as Pepper’s tentative footsteps were out of earshot, the simulation flickered back to life around him. Empty whiskey bottles faded from existence and the Spider-Man suit appeared before him, still torn in the arm. To his left, a familiar grin took shape, framed by innocent eyes and curly hair.

_(So real.)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are always appreciated jiefiojwofjw


	3. Anger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i wrote this at like 3am and it got a little dark, so warning for some mild references to self-harm and suicidal thoughts. stay safe babess! i love yall
> 
> i dont feel so great about this chapter but,,,,, the only way out of writer's block is to write huh

But delusion and lies can only last so long. When denial fades, anger swoops in, deafening. It allows all of the loss and pain to come to the surface. Pain so raw and aching that it explodes, embedding shrapnel in whomever it can, desperate to find someone to blame. Even if it’s yourself. Even if it kills you.

_(But at this point, you wouldn’t mind dying.)_

 

A heartbroken scream tore from Tony’s throat, agonizing and irate. A whiskey bottle hit the wall, sending shards of glass across the room and to the floor, a glinting kaleidoscope of pain. Peter’s voice echoed in his head, playing on repeat the words he most hated.

_(I don’t feel so good.)_

He stumbled through the glass and pooling whiskey with bare feet, the alcohol in his veins numbing the sting of the glass fragments digging into his heels. The booze always managed to curb his pain, yet the fresh wound of Peter’s death still oozed hopelessness. Maybe the splinters in his feet could serve as another exit for his anguish. Bloodletting.

“Tony! What are you doing?” Steve pleaded, suddenly standing amidst the destruction of the workshop. “Get away from there, you’ll hurt yourself!”

“Like you care if I get hurt.” Tony made a show of stepping on the glass, harder this time. He winced and then smiled, unfeeling.

“That was a long time ago, Tony.” Steve sighed. “I know this is hard right now, but I understand-”

He was cut off by Tony, whose eyes had gone dark.

“How could you possibly understand? Have you lost a son?” Tony’s voice was cold, his shouting growing louder the more he spoke. His eyes were unwavering and his entire body trembled with rage. “Did you hold him while he died, while he begged for you to save him?!”

_(The unspoken question: was it all your fault?)_

“No, but Bucky-”

“Bucky my ass.” He took a long swig from his new bottle of demons before throwing it at Steve, half hoping it would hit him and half hoping it wouldn’t. But Tony’s drunken aim failed him, the bottle smashing into the ground at the super soldier's feet, who barely flinched. They both stood in stunned silence.

“Hit me.” Tony suddenly said, weak.

Steve’s eyes looked sad as he shook his head.

He wished that Steve would just beat the shit out of him like he did those years ago, yelling and punching. He wished that Steve would blame him for Bucky's death, blame him so hard that he might see Peter again. Tony wished that Steve would kill him.

But the man only stared. Then left. Again.

Tony, tears now forming in his eyes, crumpled to the glass-strewn ground despite it ripping his pants and the palms of his hands. He cried harder than he had in a long time, though not out of despair. They were hot, angry tears of pure self-hatred. This was all his fault.

_(I was the only one who believed in you.)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk if you can tell but steve isnt my fav person
> 
> comment !!!!!!! comment comement commmmennetnnt


	4. Bargaining

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im in a real writing slump so this took some time and its mediocre at best, but i figured i should at least post something. so here ya go :)

The fire finally burns out, leaving embers smoldering with if onlys. If only you had said the unspeakable, prevented the unpreventable. But they are merely ifs, just a hopeful means to a painful end. There’s a quote somewhere, about hope driving a man mad. But you’re only looking for answers in a corpse, hardly insane. 

_ (Hardly breathing.) _

 

Tony has never believed in God, never had faith in anything other than science. His father had preached that to him for years, claiming that religion was for cowards. And yet, kneeling at his bedside with his hands clasped in front on him, Tony prayed. Maybe not to God, but to something bigger than himself. To Peter.

“What do I have to do?” Tony pleaded. “I promise to buy you ice cream whenever you want and that we can have movie nights on Friday. I promise I’ll never yell at you again.” He paused, shutting his red eyes and allowing the tears to flow freely down his face.

“And I promise that I’ll be a better father.”

_ (My dad never really gave me a lot of support.) _

“If you could just come back, kid. Please, I’m begging you. This is me begging.” Tony was speaking to the ceiling now, his arms open as if he was accepting a hug. But there was no hug, only silence playing the part of his son’s embrace.

“Tony Stark? Begging?” Rhodey’s voice came from behind him. “I thought you were above that, being a multi-billionaire and all.”

“Go away, Rhodes.” Tony said as he buried his head in his hands.

“You’re stuck with me, whether you like it or not.” The colonel’s matter-of-fact tone prompted a small smile from Tony. Rhodey was always there, through the good and the bad.

“I just miss him so much.” His brief smile dissipated, replaced by a tearful wince. “He was everything.”

“I know, Tones, and I’m sorry. But now you have to find a new everything.” Rhodey replied, soft and sincere.

Tony knew this, he knew it’s what needed to happen, but he was still willing to sacrifice everything if only he could have his son back. Yet no matter how much he pleaded with the inevitable, the realization that Peter was gone finally started to consume him. He crumbled.

Falling into the crook of Rhodey’s neck, Tony cried, sobbing and gasping for air like a fish out of water, but this time the water was Peter. Tony was in a world where Peter no longer existed. A world where his kid would never laugh again, would never go to college or meet the love of his life. And a world without Peter was not a world Tony wanted to live in. So he cried. He cried for half of the universe and for himself. He cried for Peter. And he didn’t think he’d ever stop.

_ (I’m just trying to break the cycle of shame.) _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ironhusbands who


	5. Depression

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this isnt my best writing but i feel like i couldnt get much else out... hope you enjoy!
> 
> major major major warning for suicidal thoughts and suicide. sorry

You’re sinking. You know it’s bad, but you can’t find the will to care. Everything that was good in life has been torn out, leaving a gaping hole where your heart once was. There’s blood in the water now and the sharks can’t be too far off. You’re miles out from shore, there’s no use in screaming. So why not disappear?

_ (Hitting rock bottom sounds more peaceful than struggling to stay afloat.) _

 

The sunsets lost their vibrancy. Ever since Peter evaporated into nothing, the setting of the sun has turned into a dull, muddy watercolor. Even here, sitting on top of Avengers Tower, practically on top of the world, Tony couldn’t see the beauty anymore. The sun was nothing but a fiery ball of gas hurtling through space, nothing romantic about it.

Below him, people went on with their lives, oblivious to the grieving man that was once their hero perched above them.

_ (Was he ever a hero?) _

Whiskey in hand, Tony thought about what would happen if he fell. Those people below would stop and see his grief splattered on the pavement, finally acknowledging the loss of the real hero. But Tony would only feel peace. A real peace that he hadn’t felt since before he was born.

Tony could always activate the suit mid-fall and fly back to safety if he wanted. At this point, he merely craved the fear and adrenaline of falling through the sky, the wind licking his dirty hair. He hasn’t felt anything other than broken since coming back to Earth. 

_ (Guilt being the only exception.) _

And what good was Tony, anyway? He couldn’t keep his own son alive, let alone half the universe. The responsibility of protecting the world couldn’t possibly rest on the shoulders of someone so useless, worthless. Despicable.

“FRIDAY, can you record a voice message for Pepper? For when she gets back?” Tony said, hesitant and unsure.

“Of course, boss. What would you like to say?” The AI replied affectionately, ever attentive.

Tony poured his heart out. He said he was sorry and that he loved her, that she would be okay. He said everything he wished he’d said to Peter and more. He said goodbye.

“You seem to be in distress. Would you like me to contact someone?” FRIDAY’s voice was as concerned as an AI’s voice could be, her accent giving her worry a soothing lilt.

“No. I’ve never been better.” For once, Tony was telling the truth. He was sure now.

The man put his whiskey on the ledge and stood, shaking. He sighed, his breath tinted with alcohol and his eyes bejeweled with tears. Tony was ready. His son was waiting.

So he smiled. Then he jumped.

_ (Great things are about to happen.) _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i fucking love that moment on the ferry when tony tells peter that great things are about to happen. it absolutely mashes my heart


	6. Acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> school started last week so im not writing as often,, but here yall go!
> 
> this chapter couldve been better but oh well

Life is different now and it’s hard, but you take it day by day. Little by little you will heal. Eventually, you will be able to look back with love and affection instead of despair, bittersweet. The weight gets so heavy that you have to let go. No one can hold the world on their shoulders.

_(Not even the strongest of us.)_

 

“Peter?” Tony breathed, speaking with a reverence given only to scripture. The world around him was golden, a fiery ombré.

The boy stood in front of Tony, hair tousled as always. He was smiling sadly, tears shining in his eyes. But he was in one piece. That’s what mattered. The dust, replaced by warm skin and a hoodie, was no longer scattered across an alien planet.

“Pete!” Tony stumbled toward Peter, his voice cracking. He took the kid in his arms, half expecting him to crumble at the touch. “I missed you so much, kid.”

“Tony–”

“Don’t you dare apologize. I don’t need to hear that again.” Tony was laughing now, his fear replaced by intense relief. Nearly three months without Peter, but it was all worth it for this moment, holding him.

“Tony, you need to let me go.”

_(Pete, you gotta let go.)_

“Am I hurting you? Shit.” Tony pulled back abruptly, wiping violently at his wet cheeks. “Don’t repeat that.”

“I’m alright. But you need to be too.” Peter’s voice was quiet, small. He looked sad, but at peace.

“What are you talking about? I’ve got you back, I’m more than alright, bud.” He never would’ve admitted it before, but Tony loved the hell out of this kid. And now he knew how important it was to it say out loud.

“You jumped off a building,” Peter said, laughing darkly under his breath.

“What–” Realization donned on Tony’s face. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“This isn’t real, is it?”

“It’s as real as you want it to be.” The boy took a deep breath. “But I need you to know this isn’t your fault. Let me go. Please.”

_(I’m gonna catch you.)_

“I could’ve protected you, made you stay home.” Tony gave up on wiping away his tears, letting them stream freely down his face. “I’m so sorry. I can’t lose you again.”

“It was a 50/50 chance either way, on Earth or not. I’m just glad I was with you.” Peter gave him a signature lopsided grin. “You’re like a father to me, you know.”

“And you’re like a son to me, only I didn’t know it until you were gone.” There was a long pause, the words hanging in the air. “I love you. So much.” Tony choked. He felt that same ache in his chest that he did three months ago, but this time it was warm.

“I love you, too.” It was a whisper, but Tony felt the sound in his bones.

Then he opened his eyes.

The suit had already formed around him, hovering nearly thirty feet above the crowded street.

“Tony?! Tony, where are you?” Pepper’s frantic voice rang out in his ear.

Peter may be gone, but he wouldn’t have wanted his mentor to wallow in despair. He would’ve wanted Tony to move on, to have a son and love him the way he loved Peter. To be happy despite the loss. Of course, there would always be bad days, when Tony felt the ash in his throat, suffocating him. But little by little, things would be okay.

“I’m… I’m good.” Tony smiled, feeling lighter than he had in a long time. “He knows I love him.”

_(Nice work, kid.)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gettin real harry & dumbledore 8th movie kings cross station vibes

**Author's Note:**

> pleasseeeee leave a comment!
> 
> im also on tumblr @ironlesbo ;)


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